Why is it, with some people, it is possible to say exactly what we think or ask precisely what we want to know, while with other people we dance around such statements and questions?
Why is it, with some people, we can say, “I am so pissed-frustrated-stressed-angry-sucky-bloated, etc.,” while with other people we say (with a forced smile, even), “I am well, thank you.”
Why is that? Why do we discriminate? Why do we judge? Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? Discrimination and judgement. We discriminate by not being as forthcoming with some as we are with others; we judge that some, more than others, are worthy/capable/trustworthy to receive the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It actually sounds ugly and wrong when put into those categories. Why do we edit ourselves? There, that sounds better!
Really. Why do we do it? Why do I do it?
While I tell some friends exactly where I’m at (and, in turn, expect and receive the same courtesy from them), I tell other friends only an abridged and even softened version of those facts – if at all! Of course, I must admit that several of those “other” friends have a lot going on in their own lives and I make a conscious choice not to burden them with my stuff and there’s another friend to whom I long to tell everything and pepper with a million in-depth questions (and get answers, of course!) but whose shutters prohibit such nonsense. And I haven’t even mentioned my family, who basically all fall into the “other” category because I’ve learned they really don’t want to know the complete and unabridged version of my life.
What would happen, I sometimes wonder, if I “let loose” with all of my friends? What would happen if I opened up to all of them? How would it feel to let go with no holds barred, no stone unturned, soup to nuts? Would my full-throttle approach be met with empathy? Sympathy? Relief in the form of reciprocation? The blank stare of a person caught unawares and looking for the nearest exit? The quizzical half-smile of a person who heard what you said but simply couldn’t take it in, the inside of their brain screaming, “TMI?” Or, maybe worse, a swift change of subject to effectively cover what has just been revealed?
We tell children to “use your words” (and sometimes adults; try it if you haven’t!) when they are struggling with just that: the ability to articulate what is going on for them. Couldn’t we give ourselves the same bit of encouragement when it’s on the tip of our tongue to answer that double-edged ”How are you?” with complete and utter honesty and let the chips fall where they may? Couldn’t I take the risk (because it is a risk, never doubt it!) to reveal my true and complete self to the people who make up my family of the heart? The consequences couldn’t be that harsh, could they? Could they?? Or could they? hmmm …
And so I continue to wonder if I can truly use my words with all of my friends, and I wonder why I feel a need to.
Use Your Words!
Posted by EllensLaughter on July 18, 2008
Why is it, with some people, it is possible to say exactly what we think or ask precisely what we want to know, while with other people we dance around such statements and questions?
Why is it, with some people, we can say, “I am so pissed-frustrated-stressed-angry-sucky-bloated, etc.,” while with other people we say (with a forced smile, even), “I am well, thank you.”
Why is that? Why do we discriminate? Why do we judge? Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? Discrimination and judgement. We discriminate by not being as forthcoming with some as we are with others; we judge that some, more than others, are worthy/capable/trustworthy to receive the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It actually sounds ugly and wrong when put into those categories. Why do we edit ourselves? There, that sounds better!
Really. Why do we do it? Why do I do it?
While I tell some friends exactly where I’m at (and, in turn, expect and receive the same courtesy from them), I tell other friends only an abridged and even softened version of those facts – if at all! Of course, I must admit that several of those “other” friends have a lot going on in their own lives and I make a conscious choice not to burden them with my stuff and there’s another friend to whom I long to tell everything and pepper with a million in-depth questions (and get answers, of course!) but whose shutters prohibit such nonsense. And I haven’t even mentioned my family, who basically all fall into the “other” category because I’ve learned they really don’t want to know the complete and unabridged version of my life.
What would happen, I sometimes wonder, if I “let loose” with all of my friends? What would happen if I opened up to all of them? How would it feel to let go with no holds barred, no stone unturned, soup to nuts? Would my full-throttle approach be met with empathy? Sympathy? Relief in the form of reciprocation? The blank stare of a person caught unawares and looking for the nearest exit? The quizzical half-smile of a person who heard what you said but simply couldn’t take it in, the inside of their brain screaming, “TMI?” Or, maybe worse, a swift change of subject to effectively cover what has just been revealed?
We tell children to “use your words” (and sometimes adults; try it if you haven’t!) when they are struggling with just that: the ability to articulate what is going on for them. Couldn’t we give ourselves the same bit of encouragement when it’s on the tip of our tongue to answer that double-edged ”How are you?” with complete and utter honesty and let the chips fall where they may? Couldn’t I take the risk (because it is a risk, never doubt it!) to reveal my true and complete self to the people who make up my family of the heart? The consequences couldn’t be that harsh, could they? Could they?? Or could they? hmmm …
And so I continue to wonder if I can truly use my words with all of my friends, and I wonder why I feel a need to.
Posted in Commentary | Tagged: friendship, honesty, relationships, reveal, risk | 1 Comment »