When I Grow Up

“When I grow up, I want to be a librarian!”

“When I grow up, I want to be a teacher!”

“When I grow up, I want to be Miss America!”

“When I grow up, I want to be just like Nancy Drew!  I want to be smart and brave and pretty and have Parker Stevenson be in love with me!”

“When I grow up, I want to be a writer like Carolyn Keene and Laura Ingalls Wilder and L.M. Montgomery and (shhh!  don’t tell my mother!) Judith Krantz and Harold Robbins!”

“When I grow up, I want to be famous and have tons of money and tons of friends and tons of people jealous of (or just notice) me!”

“When I grow up, I want to be a famous writer like Danielle Steel and Johanna Lindsey and Valerie Sherwood!”

“When I grow up, I want to be a wife and a mother and live in a big house with my husband and ten children!”

“When I grow up, I want to have a house in New Hampshire, a house in Florida, a penthouse in New York City, a luxury flat in London and a villa in Italy!”

“When I grow up, I want to be a famous writer like Jude Deveraux and LaVyrle Spencer!”

“When I grow up …”  Oh.  Hello.  I didn’t see you there.  Did you hear all that?  Did you see all that?  Did you feel all that?  My excited, hopeful, shining, star-struck, determined, and maybe even challenging, I-dare-you-to-tell-me-I-can’t expression on a face attached to a head and body practically quivering with passionate, near-panicked energy; energy so intense that upon unclenching my fists and relaxing my face I almost feel exhausted.

I don’t often start any future-thinking sentence with “when I grow up” anymore, because I am grown up.  At least, I think I am.  Well, I’m supposed to be at any rate!  So, in reviewing the wishful-hopeful wants of my younger self:

I am not a librarian, but I love books and one of my life goals is to build a new, state-of-the-art yet back-in-the-day-feeling library for my town.

I am a teacher!

I consider myself smart, I suppose I have been brave on occasion, I can sometimes be called pretty, but Parker Stevenson is just not happening.

I never was and never will be Miss America, but I treasure the memory of the Christmas that I received the whole Miss America costume kit (evening gown, sash and tiara)!  I wore it and practiced smiling and waving (elbow-elbow-wrist-wrist-wrist) as I walked regally down the stairs.

I am a writer, but not in the style of Carolyn or Laura or L.M. or (it’s okay if my mother knows this) Judith or Harold.

I’m not famous and I don’t have tons of money; I do have tons of friends; people have been jealous of me (I only know this because they told me; still can’t figure out why!); people have noticed me for both the “right” and the “wrong” reasons.

I’m not a famous writer – at least not yet.  But I don’t want to be compared to Danielle Steel, or even Johanna Lindsey, Valerie Sherwood, Jude Deveraux and LaVyrle Spencer (all of whom I admire); I want my writing merits to be my own, thank you very much!

I’m not certain about the husband piece anymore … almost been there; almost done that … I know for certain, however, that I do NOT want 10 children!!!  I mean, OH MY GOD, right????  What was I thinking????

I STILL want to have my own house in New Hampshire and in Florida, a penthouse (with a roof garden, please!) in New York City, a luxury flat in London (with a garden as well, please!), and a villa in Italy (with a fully stocked wine cellar and plenty of guest bedrooms for my tons of friends).  My vision board reflects the house in New Hampshire, which will be a beautiful, sunny cottage surrounded by oodles of gorgeous, brilliantly-colored flowers and will feature a big, four-season sun porch and plenty of room for entertaining!

And even though I don’t use the phrase “when I grow up” to start a sentence anymore, I still love to feel it when I consider the vision of my future – and my present! - because I’ve learned that all that uncomfortably delicious energy can make things happen!  But if I did use “when I grow up” to start a sentence, it would look like this:

When I grow up, I want to love and be loved unconditionally and I want my friends and family to love and be loved unconditionally.  That’s all it would take to set everything else into motion and complete the amazing jigsaw puzzle that is our perfectly connected lives.

So, come on.  Stand up.  I mean it!  Stand up!  I’ll wait …  Thank you!  Good job!!  Now, repeat after me: “When I grow up …”  Doesn’t that feel awesome???