Ch-ch-ch-change

Somewhere along the way, change became an accepted aspect of this life I’m living.  Somewhere along the way, I dropped the “I dread change” mantra and adopted the “change is good” mantra in its place.  Yet, along the way, there are some changes I wish hadn’t taken place and I know that’s because I don’t understand (e.g. haven’t fully accepted) the reasons behind and for them.

The changes I revel in are:

• my change of living conditions, which took place just over a year ago,
• my new-found understanding of how the powerful energy we are all made of and have at our disposal works
• my growing appreciation for the relationships that I thrive on
• growing into each passing year

The changes I remain fearful of are:

• the necessity of a new career and all that goes with that
• the ebb and flow of long-standing relationships
• the aging of my parents, siblings and friends (its okay for me to age, but not for them to!)

The career piece is such a double-edged sword!  I must earn an income and therefore must have a career … but what is it to be?  I am all over the place with the possibilities that exist and the skills I possess.  Having been officially out of work for 4 1/2 months, I can honestly say that I still don’t have a clue what I really want to do.  I half-heartedly apply for jobs that I’m suited for and which would put me back behind a desk.  I’m enjoying filling in at my friend’s store and the opportunities it affords me to get get out of my house, do my hair and make-up and wear pretty clothes.  What do I want to do, really?  Write.  Bake.  Sew.  Earn a living doing what I love and have a passion for.  And why am I fearful of that?  The risk and uncertainty and potential hardships and maybe even sacrifices that come along with forging that path.

As far as the relationship piece, it is a fact of life that as we age and grow, we change.  It stands to reason that our relationships will grow and change, too.  But I don’t like it when the growth leads to changes I perceive as uncomfortable (okay, not of my choosing!); when the warmth of the relationships ebb and the flow is different – changed; when I don’t understand why it must be that way, because surely there is a good reason for it.  People I used to talk to and/or e-mail every day don’t call or write and/or don’t respond to my calls and e-mails, which leads me to reflect that new behavior to protect myself from hurt, yet perhaps instigates further change.  Another double-edged sword.

I saw my Dad last week.  He was visiting from New York and I hadn’t seen him since January.  There was comfort in the familiarity of his features and the warmth of his hug, but in those there was also the hint of his advancing age; there were more lines and there was a slight sense of frailty when I hugged him that made me not want to let go, for fear I wouldn’t have that opportunity again.  I see it in my Dad, but I am denial about my Mom aging.  Maybe it’s because I see her frequently and talk to her even more frequently.  And there’s the fact that she lives 20 minutes down the road while Dad is 4 hours away in another state. 

When I force myself to think about that inevitable future change of my parents passing on, it is very nearly unbearable.  In my finer moments, it has occurred to me that I can use that emotion on stage; in my weaker moments, I am reduced to a quivering mass of flesh and emotion.  So why, on the rare occasion, do I go there?  Self-preparation.  A need to make certain that I can go on without them in my life, as terrifying as that thought is.

I’m in even more denial when it comes to my siblings and friends.  The only vision I can envision is a long, long lifetime remaining with them.  There is not one of them I feel I can do without and so I am supremely stubborn in my denial of any of them moving on … especially after losing one dear friend late last year.

So, to change in general – change that is specific to me and only me and doesn’t affect anyone else – bring it on!  I have learned to deal with it with relative grace and know to ask for help if I need it.  But to the type of change that takes the snowglobe that is my life and turns it upside down with its shaking, and in the process shakes up others’ lives … less is more; less is way more.